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11-15-06
11-8-06


This week, we decided to hack out 42 haiku that poorly catalog the week that has passed.  We understand that Haiku are supposed to be about temporal nature and are not normally a convention of epic or historical poetry.  Yes, the guy to the left would be mad at us, even though he sort-of lived before the haiku tradition.  We also hacked these out in 2 or 3 hours, so don't write us one and say you did better.  We also understand haiku-writing is something of an old meme on the internet, and frankly, that's why we did it second, and even more frankly, we don't care.  Without further ado, here's 42 haiku to explain the times:

The Hitter V. 2:  Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Hard News

McCain and Rudy
both seeking the high office.
Who can smear better?

Our money, comrades,
lies on slick New York Rudy.
He can Swift-Boat John.

What, the reader says?
Elephants don’t self-trample?
Look back at ’02.

Genius Karl Rove
told the land of McCrazy
and they sopped it up.

Yet vile liberals
have no love for our soldiers.
Those who harm them do.

Not funny, is it?
The only way to stop it:
Vote for comedy.

Jack Crack Abramhoff
landed in low-risk jail.
Can he bribe the guards?

Trent Lott, back in charge,
the new Minority Whip.
Watch out, Obama!

Saturn has a storm.
Scientists label the brew
a big hurricane.

Bush, upon hearing,
says the troops will be sent soon.
Poor, poor aliens.

“Mexico City
now allows gays to unite.
Vamos no Vermont!”

“But Julio, dear,”
replied his life partner Juan,
“we love the syrup.”

“Please stop the transcript,”
said the writer’s consciousness.
Syrup is too good.

Bush in Singapore,
talked to a man on the street,
was spanked sev’ral ways.

Hey, Al-Jazeera
now can broadcast in English!
Still won’t be funny.



Economics

The housing market
not what it was two years ‘fore,
analysts do say.

We the CM
just had a revelation
Market haikus suck.



Sports

Houston Dynamo
won the MLS trophy.
Their eight fans rejoice.

In college b-ball,
upsets, yes!  ‘Zona, KU...
Hype cannot buy wins.

Nor can finances
learned Auburn, Tennessee,
and greedy Texas.

The Colts, 9-and-0
Could Peyton take a week off
to gain gravitas?

Woe are the Steelers,
what happened to production?
Bet it was outsourced.

Senile Al Davis
Now his motto is altered.
“Just sin, be babies.”

There’s Joe Paterno
snaps his leg, wants to go on
built like Joe Pesci

This Saturday comes
Buckeye versus Wolverine,
Storm in a horseshoe.

An epic battle,
two opposite schools, but wait:
will Magneto show?

Isaiah Thomas
In the hist’ry of the Knicks,
writes Chapter Seven.

Poor Kenyon Martin
done for the entire year.
Damn, he’s no JoePa!

Adam Morrison
shoots the ball like an all-star,
looks an ugly girl.

Damn, Albert Haynesworth,
back to practicing again,
his old stomping grounds.

The Arizona Cardinals
Can they even beat Detroit?
Who cares? Watch the Bears!



Entertainment

Kevin Federline,
dumped via text messaging.
Who knew he could read?

Woe is Borat,
Legal woes dampen smash hit,
don’t piss off Gypsies!

Brad Pitt and Jolie,
seem to not shoot pictures now
only make headlines.

Singer Elton John:
“Gay Christians are irrational.”
You mean like your clothes?

Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes
to wed in splendid castle,
Jester and milkmaid.

Scientologists,
they believe in fairy tales?
We are not surprised.

Italy, perfect...
where else to join together
meatball, noodlebrained.

Poor Denise Richards
threw her laptop off the ledge.
It found her career.

Jude and Siena
finally finished for good,
Shitsburgh rejoices.

And now, a tasteless
easy Ed Bradley haiku,
his watch hath stoppèd.

As for The CM,
Nothing to report, comrades.
See you soon with more.


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