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No, we at the CM Group are not exempt from putting up headlines-based filler. Today, we realized that the recent wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a variety of problems. Namely, most of the traditional wedding dialogue doesn't exactly work. Consequently, we decided to adapt the Anglican Book fo Common Prayer's wedding form specifically for Tom and Katie. We're guessing this is roughly the dialogue they used, or at least it should have been. Heck, most celebrities should use this wedding form. It'd work a lot better.The TomKat Simplest Wedding Form
(Can be adjusted if they wanted to have their publicists write personalized vows)
[The organist plays the Mission: Impossible theme song for 3 soul-crushing hours as the cadre of well-dressed celebrities and hangers-on file in.]
[Organist plays "The Wedding March" as a giant bat-light focuses on the bride as she walks down the aisle].
MINISTER: DEARLY beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God - Brian Glazer, seated in row four - and in the presence of the rest of this high-priced company, to join together this - cough - Man and this Woman in celebrity Matrimony; which is was once an honourable estate, sort-of, instituted many times by Elizabeth Taylor, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt a studio head and his shareholders: which holy estate Walt Disney adorned and beautified with his presence and first miracle that he wrought in Steamboat Wille; therefore is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, for thine tabloid reporters be seething outside; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of career catastrophe. Into this formerly-holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined, even though by the looks of the young one over there, they've already accomplished that. Well done. If any man can show just cause, why they may not be superficially joined together, let him now speak, or at least hold him peace until the inevitable "trial" separation.
[pause for Chris Klein to weep in a closet somewhere.]
If either of you have any reason not to be wed right now, please say it immediately. Though remembereth, thine check is nonrefundable. For be ye well assured, that if any persons are joined together other than the Word of our Savior, L. Ron Hubbard, doth allow, their marriage is not lawful.
Tom, Will thou have this Woman to thy wedded wife, to live together in the once-holy estate of Matrimony, which is exactly like your present life, except your attorneys will be more involved? Wilt thou love her, honour, and keep her in health and in health, for scientologists never get sick, in her religious beliefs and her inevitable relapse from the fantasticly glorious heights of scientology; and, forsaking all others, including men, keep thee only unto her, until the separation is public?
TOM: I will.
MINISTER: Katie, Wilt thou have this - cough - man to thy wedded husband, under all the same conditions I listed earlier, plus the one where you have to listen for at least 30 seconds when Nicole Kidman calls you just to laugh in your naive little face?
KATIE: I will.
MINISTER: Tom, place the diamond that four African boys lost their life over on Katie's finger and repeat after me, please.
I, Tom, take thee Katie to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for worse and worse, because frankly, it ain't gettin' better, in health and in health, to love and to cherish, till the separation is public, according to United Artists' will.
MINISTER: Now Katie, likewise take the band you have chosen to strangle Tom's fingers with, and repeat after me.
I, Katie, take thee Tom to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for worse and worse, because frankly, it ain't gettin' better, in health and in health, to love and to cherish, till the separation is public, according to United Artists' will.
MINISTER: Bless us, O L. Ron Hubbard, these Rings, which were forged in a volcano in Mordor, because pacts with evil are the only way to revive this man's career to his post-couch-jumping days, or possibly endow this woman the cuteness she held in Wonder Boys. Amen.
Let us recite the Lord's Prayer:
Our Fathers, who art sitting in this cathedral with their cell phones one, hallowed be thy names. For thy kingdoms, thy will be done, In Italy as it is in Hollywood. Give us this day our free publicity. And forgive us everything, for we all are completely shameless. And lead us not into the temptation of breaking the few barriers of class we have left, but deliver us from the evil of pornography and the other lowest depths. For you producers have the power, and the glory, for the time being, Amen.
Those whom a room full of scientologists sitting in a country that doesn't recognize scientology hath joined together let no man put asunder, save for a paparazzi photographer with a dangerous snapshot.
Forasmuch as Tom and Katie have consented together in wedlock, and have witnessed the same before this wonderful company, including the $4,000 gift basket that should have been given to everyone upon disembarking from the plane. I pronounce that they are Man and Wife, to be recognized, well, just in this room until they fly to America to have a civil wedding there. But after that, their union should be recognized by all fans and periodicals. Amen.
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